Gearing Up For Drop Off

Why “It’s going to be so much FUN” doesn’t always work for Transitions

Note: I've also got a Podcast on this topic if you prefer to listen on the go! Link HERE.

As caring adults, we really want our children to have great experiences in life. Generally that means we want them to have lots of fun and make memories. In our quest to provide this, sometimes we set our children, and ourselves, up for situations where anything else isn’t acceptable. In other words, it’s not okay, not to have fun.

Working as a preschool owner taught me a lot about so many things and when I reflect back on my career as a K-12 educator I realize many of the things aren’t exclusive to the early years. 

Daycare transition is one of the hardest. Hands down. It’s hard for children, it’s hard for parents, it’s hard for providers. There’s a lot of uncomfortable feelings and usually those feelings come out as tears and sometimes more. This is where I had a bit of an 'aha moment' because I noticed a pattern. As a part of the drop-off process parents would often say, 'you’re going to have so much fun, you’re going to make friends...' I realized something. The child, did not see the fun or the prospect of fun,YET.

Have you ever prepared your child for a big change or new experience by hyping up the ‘fun element’? 

Before you berate yourself because you know you’ve done this, don’t!

I’ve done it, and pretty much everyone I know has done it.

And, you are still going to do it, but you’re going to do it differently. 

Here's the problem with throwing all our energy behind the 'this will be fun' strategy…

• What happens when it backfires?  
• What happens when the thing isn’t actually fun?  Or fun yet?
• What happens when your child calls you out? 

As a result, you get stuck second-guessing your decision, feeling like a horrible parent or lose control of your relationship dynamic. On a practical level it doesn’t make getting your child there tomorrow easier. For them it’s not fun yet, and for some kids it never will be our definition of fun, and that’s okay.

Not everything your child participates in or needs to attend will be fun.  The question becomes, how do we convince our children to give opportunities a chance, especially when those spaces are not an option?  Things like summer camp, an extra-curricular activity, childcare and school.

We need to reframe our language in a way that supports different goals. 

Did you know that when you hype up the fun aspect you were setting that as a goal? 

Ultimately that often is A goal, for children to enjoy the various things they participate in but, it doesn’t work as the ONLY goal.  This is particularly true when that space is new, uncomfortable, a different kind of fun or challenging. It also doesn't work when that space isn't optional!

As a preschool owner and long time educator I have managed a lot of transitions.  The factors that weigh into successful transitions are in line with the skills you help your child develop in preparation for their new experience.  One of those factors is language and goal setting.  

What are the types of things we say and do with our children to set them up for success?

Step One: Think about using the fun factor as only one part and weigh it equally with other goals.

Step Two: Break down what other goals could be and aim for some attainable ones.

Some examples to get you started:

1. Make 1 new friend / reconnect with 1 friend
2. Learn something new (just one thing!)
3. Find/discover one thing you like to do (fun factor)
4. Learn something cool about your teacher/instructor/friend (just one person)
   • Favourite: food, colour, activity, song
5. Push your comfort zone / try something a bit tricky/hard (this is for an older child 5ish+)

*Note: this is a big list => pick 1 or 2 to focus on and brainstorm more that suit your family and child's personality

An essential part of this strategy is following up with your child when you reconnect.

For more on this check out my blog "Report Back to Me"

For younger children you focus more on how the space is a kid space not a parent space. 

Something like: 

1. Daycare is your special place to learn, grow and have fun. 
2. Daycare is space for children not parents.
3. The caring adults at daycare are…

Note: Get super specific by using the names of places, teachers, activities etc. This helps children build trust because you are showing your confident trust.

Step Three: Tell them your expectations well BEFORE you take them or drop them off.  Be consistent and predictable.  You need to build (or re-build) trust with your child that they will be able to return to their comfort zone.  This step also prevents power struggles and negotiations.

Using Time as a Reference Point

In my transitions workshops I talk a lot about when time is an effective tool and when it doesn’t work as well. Generally children under the age of 7 don’t connect with time, they connect with actions or activities.

Examples:

Pick you up after lunch.

Pick you up before dinner.

Pick you up when I finish work.

Pick you up after story time or snack time

Note: Figure out the activity or action versus time.

Validate Feelings:

I know this is a difficult change.  Let’s focus on learning something new and when I come and get you that’s the first question I’m going to ask.  Have a great day!

Notice that I did not try to convince my child that it was going to be fun or not to worry about their feelings.  We need to validate their uncomfortable feelings while maintaining a clear boundary that reinforces an attainable goal.

Have you tried all the things and you are looking for actionable steps for what to do for drop-off and the importance of developing a goodbye routine to support validating your feelings and your child's while still getting off on time? Check out my mini-course: The Art of Saying Goodbye