Goodbye Routines Podcast

To listen to the podcast click HERE or find it on your favourite channel: Google, Spotify, Apple.

Episode Summary:

Part of setting you and your child up for drop-off success is creating a Goodbye Routine. 

Whether you are starting school for the first time or heading back-to-school, a Goodbye Routine will give you the tools and skills you need for a smoother transition and it will continue to support you throughout the school year.

As we shift from summer mode to school mode, there's a lot of changes and transitions that happen. Routines at home change, there's new routines at school as children are getting used to new teachers, new peers, new schedules, new learning models… 

One of the the ways to easiest ways to navigate any big transition like this is to create some predictability.

Goodbye Routines help ensure you:

1. Set an expectation for what it will look like when you part ways.  
2. Create a clear action plan for leaving your child (saying goodbye)
3. Meet your child's needs in a clear and consistent way (avoid the one mores)

If you want to take the next step in setting yourself up for success this school year, enrol in my mini-course The Art of Saying Goodbye.  You will learn how to build a customized goodbye routine, how to gather parent clues to handle the ‘one mores’ and the importance of developing an understanding of goodbye with your child.

Enrol by clicking the link here

Podcast Transcript:

Today I’m going to be talking about Goodbye Routines and how important they are to the early years and also how you can adapt them as children grow because saying goodbye and parting ways is a difficult transition for some people and developing skills around supporting this can be a evolving journey. I think we sometimes get the idea that once we get over it in daycare or summer camp it’s done and then we discover it’s not always the case.

School is a big transition and it’s one that has an element of never really ending. There’s the start of school transition where we shift from summer mode to school mode. There’s the adjustment to new routines transition where we are getting used to new teachers, new peers, new schedules, new learning models… 

One of the realities of any big transition is that they can be hard for everyone involved and they take time.  Change is hard and getting used to changes doesn’t typically happen quickly. As an added layer, everyone experiences back to school changes differently. Children, parents and teachers they all have feelings related to the transition experience and sometimes those feelings can make drop off and such really challenging.  

As a former preschool owner I’ve supported parents through more transitions than I can count.  I learned that the most successful transitions were the ones were where parents prepared themselves and their children for the new experience with clear actions plans.

Today I’m going to teach you about Goodbye Routines and how they can be helpful, how to build them in authentic ways and how important they are not just for your child, but also for you!

So, What is a Goodbye Routine?

The clear and repeatable steps you take as a part of saying goodbye to your child in their space.  In the podcast episode on preparing children for KG, this was something Natalie highlighted. Unlike daycare, preschool camp drop-off etc, where sometimes parents can bring their children in, linger, hang things up, in school they have to part ways at the fence or outside the school because school is very much a child’s space and this is an important part of preparing children for that transition. So when we are thinking about our goodbye routine, it needs to have an element of that type of separation built in.

Like all great skills, to be effective, this is something you need practice ahead of time. This piece is really important because you are setting up a clear action plan with your child for how you will say goodbye to them and you’re also creating a clear action plan for yourself. When I talk to parents about transitions and stress there’s often 2 hot topics. Dropping their kids off when they are on route to work and trying to get their kids to go to bed by a certain time. It’s extremely stressful to navigate drop off when we are dreading what it could look like because of the one mores, the upset feelings etc. 

So, building a Goodbye Routine means:

1. Setting an expectation for what it will look like when you part ways.  
2. Creating a clear action plan for leaving your child.  
3. Ensuring your child's needs are met in a clear and consistent way.  

Why is this important?

To provide structure that reinforces confidence.

The reality is, you need to leave your child and engaging in delay activities (the one mores - one more hug, one more minute…) only makes the transition period longer and harder.  I dig into this in great detail in my course, the Art of Saying Goodbye because it’s really important that we teach children goodbyes aren’t flexible because this is confusing and makes it harder for everyone to navigate their feelings around separation. 

One way we avoid this is by ensuring our Goodbye Routine covers all the elements of connection that are reflective of your relationship.  For some families this might include hugs and kisses, for others it will be high fives or a statement of affirmation and encouragement or some combination of any of these.

Here’s the key: Get your children in on the planning so they have input on what needs they would like met before embarking on their daily adventure.  Make it fun and special.

Example: Okay, I want to create something special for us when I drop you off at school every day. I was thinking… we’ll do double high-fives up high, then I’m going to give you a super big hug and tell you how much I love you.  Then it will be time for you to go to play in the yard and wait for school to start while I head off to work.  That will be our special good-bye every morning at school.

If you have a younger child, keep it simple and connected. As your child grows, build it out to include some fun elements.

If you have an older child, create a secret handshake, do it before you leave the house… this kind of idea. Older elementary kids might not want their peers to see, but they still want that sense of connection in age appropriate ways.

Okay, now here’s the really important part. It won’t necessarily be magic. You do it and boom, your child happily skips off to school. This might happen and I know it does, but it also doesn’t because transitions are hard and some children need a moment to be a little upset… this doesn’t mean we solve that moment, it means they need to have a moment with their feelings about this change. Saying goodbye is uncomfortable and hard for some people and we can’t change that, we can only build skills and tools to support that transition. Keep at your goodbye routine and it will help your child’s transitional needs over time. Adapting to school is a process, and one that typically takes a week to settle and a month to find a real rhythm. Tuck that into the back of your mind as you walk away after leaving them with some uncomfortable feelings. You filled their bucket, you prepared them with the goodbye routine and they are building their skills for processing that goodbyes are fixed.

So one way to do this is just have a conversation about it. Another way is to build it with a book.

A Great Book to Help You Start this conversation is The Kissing Hand

It’s the story of a raccoon mom and her child and their journey getting ready for school and preparing themselves for the change. They talk about how trying new things isn’t always easy and sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to, but there are ways to know you are cared and loved about no matter where you are. So as part of this she creates a kissing hand. So it’s this great story about creating a goodbye routine and how that routine incorporates an element for the child to have something to reflect on when they are feeling lonely, scared, uncomfortable etc. And the child in turn acknowledges how hard this is for the mom too and he leaves her with a kissing hand as well. This part is so resonating because I know that part of the importance of the goodbye routine is our process, our thoughts, our preparedness for this new change. It’s hard when our children grow older and face new experiences. It’s hard when there are uncomfortable feelings involved, both for us and for our children.