Information Overload in Modern Parenting

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Transcript of Episode 3:

One of the challenges of Modern Parenting is knowing what to do and what not to do. When to act and when not to. Knowing who to trust and who not to. Finding people to stand with, and not always doing what others do. Knowing when to listen to your gut and also be okay with questioning it. I know that’s a particularly tricky one because many of you are forging a new path in parenting so your instincts might feel ‘off’ at times and that might lend itself to you feeling pulled in different directions. All this to say, there are a lot of layers to parenting and ultimately, when we really dig in, everyone is trying to do their very best… and this is not easy.

This is also complicated by the fact that we live in a world focused on fast fixes and survival tactics. It’s also not surprising that these things are starting to backfire and children and their parents are the ones left navigating these murky waters. 

There was an explosion of information on social media during the pandemic and overwhelmed parents, willing to do anything to make it through, were taking it all in. Unfortunately some of that information wasn’t rooted in expertise and experience, it was grounded in trying to make everyone feel better about the decisions they were making to get by. In many ways, the pandemic has highlighted a crisis in parenting that has been growing for quite some time now.

The world has changed, parenting is changing, but some of those changes aren’t playing out quite the way people intend for them to.

This is really clear in some things people commonly share with me.

•  I have done xyz parenting… that could be…. and I’m just not sure I’m doing it right because I’m still losing my cool, I haven’t stopped yelling and if I’m being honest I just can’t do what they are suggesting. There is a lot of overwhelm, shame and guilt in their voices when they share this with me, because these parents are trying their best and it’s not working. The reality is behaviour is complex and social media and marketing makes it seem like the solutions are simple. Say this and everything with be magic. Do this and everything will be fine. Create a strong attachment and you’ll be able to do anything. None of this is true. You can have a great attachment and find parenting really really challenging because kids test limits and have big feelings, no matter how connected to you they are. 
•  The other major theme I hear regularly is I’m completely exhausted from doing all the things. Some will then add…and it was working so well, until it wasn’t and now it’s worse then ever and I hate the parent I’ve become. 
•  This can be what happens when we don’t build skills for the underlying challenges. The root of the issue. There is so much more to navigating our feelings then having a caring adult be connected to us and validate those feelings.

We are all suffering from information overload and I will say after spending the better part of 2 years consuming more social media then I’d ever like to admit, and certainly more then I ever did prior to starting this business. Most of the information out there is not grounded in a solid balance of science, theory and experience. That balance is critical. Theory and reality are very different and finding ways of making them co-exist takes practice. 

As an example. I’m definitely not the same educator I was when I closed my preschool as I was when I first opened opened it 7.5 years earlier. And I’m mostly definitely not the same educator or even person I was when I finished my Masters in Ed over 20 years ago. I have learned so much from the children and families I have worked with and it has shaped so many things, my perspective, my outlook…. And ultimately it is the foundation of the frameworks I now share in my programs and 1:1 support. 

Here’s the thing, my education alone didn’t teach me the important things and I think even more then that, understanding that many children are in a care settings from an early age and many of those spaces have ratios of 1:5, 1:8… 1:28… is such an important part of understanding the needs of modern children and their parents. Because this not only impacts their experience there, but also shapes your relationship with them at home. This is a big reason modern parenting is unlike anything that has ever happened to date. 

I know when we are talking about child development and changing the way you parent, the stakes are high. I also know as a long time educator, no single approach or style ever works long term or every time because behaviour and a relationships aren’t linear. One of the questions I was consistently asked when people were looking into my preschool - what are you? Are you montessori, forest school, Waldorf, traditional, Reggio…. We have a need to compartmentalize our approach to raising children, to seeing certain systems as advantageous for long term success. We do this in a lot of spaces. And my answer to that question has been the same since I started teaching. I don’t believe in any single system, I actually think linear systems are hugely problematic. I liked to bring together a little of this and a little of that. It also meant I had to study a little of this and a little of that in order to do that. As a result, I also got really experienced in recognizing patterns that were supporting children and their families and the ones that were not. 

I have a lot of expertise grounded in theory, but experience is what shapes my understanding of how to navigate because children are unique and diverse but they also co-exist in really important spaces (like daycare, preschool & school) and that’s a piece that is often overlooked in the advice out there. I’d also like to add this includes co-existing with you and members of the family. Children may be the Center of our world, but they are not in fact the entire world. 

This is where theory and reality are distinct. There’s a massive difference between the things I want to advocate for and the changes I want to make and supporting the realities of right now. Here’s an important part of that reality. When things don’t go well, you’re the first one who’s going to get a call. So it’s part of our responsibility to ensure we are building our child’s skills to navigate both home and outside the home. Here’s the really important part that should give you some relief. When we do this, our jobs as parents are actually easier. I know when you actively help parents develop tools for social emotional well being (tools for feelings, kindness, empathy etcetera), everyone’s life is easier. 

Something I’ve noticed as we navigate this new path in parenting is that parent guilt is through the roof and it’s affecting your ability to make decisions. It’s also the same thing that marketing tactics stick themselves to and dig into your brain with. What’s the thing that you are struggling with and what’s my fast fix for it and how can I share it in an easily digested format? Typically 30 seconds or less.  Last time I checked, that’s not how behaviour works.

And this is a huge part of why you are feeling stressed. You were promised a quick fix or an unrealistic outcome and now you are feeling like a failure because it didn’t go the way you were told it would. Or, it worked for a bit and didn’t work long term. This is all part of the marketing cycle of pain points. Speak to a specific challenge with a solution, where there is no obligation to consider the bigger picture or the long term trajectory that ensures that solution is building skills etc.  spoiler alert, Quick fixes rarely if ever build skills. Which means the problem is just being pushed to somewhere else or growing into something bigger. That’s the people that share with me, it was working until it wasn’t and now it’s epic. 

Giving children choices is a prime example of this model. You can solve conflict by giving children choices. Although true, there is no mention of the importance of age appropriate choices or the implications of consumerism on the availability of choices. Suddenly parents are finding themselves in epic show downs because the Spider-Man shirt isn’t available. Developmentally a young child doesn’t understand the implications of laundry, weather etc etc. what they understand is you give them a choice about clothing they wear and that’s what they want to wear. This is a great example of how adult brains and children brains are not operating on the same plane. 

There’s a few layers to consider with this fast fix. What was the reason for giving the choice in the first place? Was it to get dressed faster? Was it to avoid an argument? Or, was it to avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings? Ones like disappointment, frustration, overwhelm? Kids like control, we all do, but they can’t have it all the time and when they can’t…. There are usually big feelings. As a result, giving them a choice didn’t solve your underlying problem. It just pushed it off to another area. I’m going to dig more into this topic in a future episode because I do believe giving children choices is essential, but those choices must be developmentally and age appropriate or you’re going to find yourself in even bigger battles then the ones you were giving the choice to avoid in the first place. I see this all the time, especially when it comes to needing to wear uncomfortable winter gear. 

So as you navigate the information out there, consider that fast fixes might be causing you more problems in the big picture than solving the ones you are having in the moment. What is the goal of the person sharing the fast fix? Do they truly want your success or do they want you to buy something? look, I run a business, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t sell things. I have bills like everyone else, but I deeply care about your success and well-being and I think that’s really important to recognize.

I want to return to the calls I get about parents really trying their best by tackling all the books, following the ‘right’ accounts on socials and aligning themselves with a specific style or approach and then finding themselves defeated. Just like I mentioned about education, it’s not that all of these approaches are wrong or misguided, it’s that any single approach to anything can be problematic. It’s not much different than fast fixes. Here is the recipe, here is the cookie cutter, make it work. 

It makes me think of something. I’ve shared my favourite play dough recipe with many families over the years that want to recreate the same texture as the one I made in my preschool. For some reason, the consistency is never quite the same as mine on the first go. Same recipe, different outcomes? Maybe it’s because we used different salt, different water temperature, different layers of kneading… there’s so many variables, but it was the same recipe yet, it had a different outcome. I know you can see where I’m going with this. Different families, different variables. Same recipe… different outcomes and sometimes that outcome is not the super squishy, soft playdough, it’s one you can’t use because it didn’t work and no matter how hard you try it’s an ooey gooey mess. 

Let’s take this analogy one step further by applying this to parenting styles and approaches. Having read the theories and some of the parenting books out there, there is a core thing that I think is worth mentioning. It’s one of the main ingredients in our parenting recipe. A lot of the advice out there and in these approaches rely on an idea that you have really strong social emotional skills. The ability to show up and be calm, to co-regulate, be present, understand behaviour etc this is all part of emotional intelligence. 

In reality, most adults haven’t learned these skills unless you’ve been to therapy or study them, because they aren’t something that anyone has really talked much about until very recently. For the most part the world has prioritized emotional suppression and as it shifts, I would say most people don’t have the baseline tools to support the strategies they are trying to implement with their children. In other words the ingredients for your recipe are very different then the recipe you are trying to make look like someone else’s. It almost goes without saying, the other ingredients in your recipe, the people and personalities of your family members are not the same as each other and certainly not other families out there. 

This is why you misinterpret the posts, take on more then is intended, try things that’s aren’t developmentally appropriate. Social media is all about fast fixes and one-size fits all. As a content creator I have 2-3 seconds to grab my viewers attention and if I’m lucky I’ll keep your attention for the 15-30 second reel. But then what?!?! How can I possibly capture the skills needed to be an effective parent in that?! I can’t. I have literally broken my brain for the last year trying to do this without compromising my ethics and values. 

In my free on-demand workshop I start to tackle this idea that there is so much more to losing your cool than telling yourself not to. That there are layers to building your skills alongside your child because the reality is, parenting is a journey of skill building. The more quick fixes you apply, the more challenges you are likely facing in the long run. Anyone who is promising you that you’ll never lose your cool or raise your voice is misleading you. To get better at doing these things less, you have to build skills. Nobody wants to tell you that hard truth because it means there’s no fast fix. 

One really important piece of advice I want to put out there is really dig into the advice you’re reading. Not all advice is created equal and there’s no standards on this. Ask yourself questions like: was it developed in an office with the purpose of grabbing my attention (aka pain points and marketing) -

Some of the biggest accounts out there have teams where their entire job is to do this. Ask yourself, was it created by someone who has worked with children outside their home? Has that person seen a classroom (especially a public school one) - I don’t mean they need to be an educator, but they do need to understand what that space really looks like because children spend a lot of time in it. They need to recognize what teachers and care providers are responsible for doing every day.  Lastly, what are their credentials and what experience supports that? That balance of expertise and experience is essential. That’s the only way to address your family’s recipe. 

Today was a big topic, but such an important one because you are treading a new path and it’s not easy. At times I find the information out there overwhelming too, but when I get back to my research roots and remind myself what to look for in validating information, it can take that down a few notches. We’re living in the age of information, and that makes decision making extra hard. Find your resources, but don’t lose track of yourself in the process.