Being Your Child's Safe Space Doesn't Mean They Can Treat You Unkindly

Being Your Child's Safe Space Doesn't Mean They Can Treat You Unkindly Episode Notes

Note: The transcript below may not be exactly the same as the podcast.

I was flipping through social media as one does when they don’t have time but somehow find themselves flipping through social media…

Anyhow, I was seeing all the posts about things you should say to your children 

Things like:

• it’s OK to not be OK
• it’s OK to fail
• I hear your disappointment 

This type of thing.

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with posts like this because although I think they are well-intentioned… they are also problematic.

This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. I know I’m a problem solver to the core. I think it goes hand in hand with my academic and educator brain. When I support families I want to get right down into the base, to figure out the underlying problem or challenge…. To solve what the issue is not bandaid it.

I’m noticing a pattern in the world, especially in social media. As we move into this space where we are working harder to validate feelings, ensure that children are valued, recognize the importance of problem solving behaviour, in other words as we work to show up differently than how we were parented… we’re missing a key step.

We have gotten really good at part one, validating the feelings. Saying things like it’s OK to not be okay, that disappointment is real, it’s okay to cry…

I don’t think we’re doing as great a job of the part two. Now that we’ve validated these feelings what do we do about it?

It’s OK to not be OK doesn’t mean you can treat people with unkindness or should stop doing things you need to do or that you can sit endlessly in your not OK Ness. That’s not healthy either.

In other words, having disappointed or frustrated feelings doesn’t mean it’s okay to yell or hit someone or break something.

There’s a trend I’m seeing in my work as well as hearing from colleagues in education, and that is having feelings and making space for feelings has become problematic, in some cases dangerous. 

That not being okay or having big feelings has translated into children doing really really unkind and harmful things to themselves, to others and to caring adults. It’s also meant that some of the everyday things we need to work through have become obstacles that can’t be overcome. Not getting your way, not getting the colour you want or the toy you want or the food item you want, getting dressed and out the door….

I was talking to a parent the other day that said you just made me realize something.

You just made me realize that when you said it’s OK to be your child safe space doesn’t mean that you have to be unsafe or treated unkindly. I have allowed my child to treat me really quite poorly by being their safe space and I’m noticing now as they get older they’re starting to do it to other people that they either deeply respect or deeply disrespect.

In other words people they are really comfortable with or uncomfortable.

I’ve had this conversation many times. When you make limitless space for feelings with young children, they grow into bigger people with stronger feelings, words and actions.

What am I saying…. I’m saying it’s okay to have feelings, but there’s limits on this. Emotional suppression and emotional free for all are two extremes, and we must strike a balance. I see that balance as tools for feelings, understanding safe spaces for feelings and also understanding that sometimes, we have to not be okay and push forward. Not every feeling needs to stand out. Validating feelings doesn’t have to mean they take over or they become the focus. Validating a feeling might look like, yes this feeling is not a great one, and I need to push forward or it might look like, I’m super overwhelmed and need to do some strategies so I can handle it.  It cannot not and should not look like, I’m having this big feeling so I’m going to take that out on someone else. Being a safe space means accepting feelings with limits.

Sure venting can be a really important thing for people to do, but there’s a difference between venting and projecting your anger at the listener.

So if we understand that part one is validating the feeling, how do we start to think about building skills for part two.

One of the things I teach is how building tools for emotional regulation has to happen in calm and connection because we can’t use tools we don’t have and we can’t learn tools in tricky moments because our Dino brain has flipped.

The other piece of this, if our go-to reactions to big feelings are unkind things - I like to call these unwanted behaviours- we need to put in place some clear steps for things we can do. For example, you are welcome to be angry, you are not welcome to yell at me. The question becomes… where can they yell or where can they release that intense emotion? Or if yelling isn’t the option how can they release that intense emotion in other ways? Some big feelings have to go somewhere… and this is where parents and caring adults have become an outlet instead of basketball courts, or running about a playground, creating some art, listening to some music…. Part of the reason for the extra pent up emotions…. We as a society simply don’t move enough. That’s a topic for another day.

The important point to make today. If we are not okay and we need to have our feelings validated, it’s essential we build tools and skills for how to manage our feelings in the moment and where to redirect that extra emotional build up. It might not happen right away, maybe in the moment you take a deep breath and squeeze your lemons, knowing later you need to get outside for a jog, take your child to the playground for a runabout.. but in any solution, it should not be that you take the full extent of the feelings because you feel you need to be someone’s safe space. Being a safe space means being there, not being treated unsafely.