Connection Podcast Transcript

[00:00:00] Today's topic is connection. So there are a couple of different things that people say to me when it comes to connection. One is, hey, I want to make sure I am building a strong and connected relationship with my children, which is a really important foundation for parent child relationships that I have.

[00:00:17] The other thing I hear is the flip side. Tara, I am seriously exhausted. I literally couldn't be more present than I am. I'm doing all the things, I'm showing up in all the ways, and we don't seem to have the relationship I was hoping for, or we're still having challenges that I wasn't anticipating because I've been working so hard to have this relationship.

Pressure Cooker Parenting

[00:00:37] So there's a couple of things. And I talked a bit about this last episode, this idea that we are one of the most present parents in history. That means we are showing up for kids. And in some ways, this is truly amazing. And in other ways, it really is creating some challenges for us. So let's dig into this topic a little bit.

[00:00:55] I wrote a white paper about this at the beginning of the pandemic. And one of the things I was talking about coming sort of with my preschool into the early stages is something I was noticing. Now I am centered in Canada. So sort of my ideas and information will come from there. I know different sort of countries have different parental leaves here.

[00:01:13] It is a year, 18 months, depending on sort of how you work it. But one of the things that I noticed as sort of this like unwritten rule is that there's this mindset that during that parental leave year, you should maximize your experiences as much as possible. You should do as much as you can to build a relationship with your child and get out into the world and experience lots of stuff.

[00:01:40] And I think one of the things that's tricky about this is we're starting our sort of relationship with children in this like Pressure cooking parenting situation. And what happens after that is often kids will then transfer or transition into daycares or nannies or some kind of care situation. And in those spaces, again, kids are busy and entertained and occupied.

Reflecting on Daycare Goals

[00:02:07] And something that's really interesting to reflect on is when we're thinking about sort of very young children in those spaces. We are employing people and our expectation of that employment relationship is that our kids are healthy and well cared for and generally doing a lot of things because that's sort of how we benchmark their experiences in those spaces.

[00:02:29] One of the things that I sort of want to put out into the world is maybe we should be questioning that a little bit more. One of the things that's really missing from childhood is not constantly doing, not constantly having adult direction. I And I see this playing out with the people that I work with because one of the things they say to me is my kids cannot be alone.

[00:02:50] They cannot do things independently. They cannot handle boredom. And yes, a lot of people will be like, yeah, that's technology. I think there's more to it than that. I think it's also because we have taught children from a very early age that if an adult is around, that adult is going to entertain them.

Adults as Problem-Solvers

[00:03:07] We've also taught children from a very early age that if they have anything that needs to be problem solved, an adult will problem solve it for you. Now here's the tricky piece. How do we strike a balance? Because showing up and being connected is super important. But in that process, I think we're taking away some really valuable skills from children.

[00:03:26] The ability to sort of resolve some conflicts on their own. To be able to sit and not be directed and guided and constantly entertained to try and sort of figure that out. And we don't do it on purpose. It's this unintentional thing. And I call, as I said, I call it the pressure cooker parenting, right?

[00:03:43] Got to maximize our time, got to maximize our time. And especially if we're sort of away from the home all day, we don't see our children because they're in these spaces. We really want that period of time after daycare, school, et cetera, to be valuable and fun and joyful and engaging and typically that's not what it looks like because everybody's had long exhausting days and their capacity for showing up has sort of greatly diminished.

[00:04:09] But also kids are just quite simply used to if an adult is around they're They're going to keep me busy. They're going to keep me entertained. This is their adult job. And I see that play out as kids get older and older, they're sort of, it kind of gets even a little bit demanding. And some parents will say to me, wow, I really feel like I'm being bossed around by my kid.

Balance Between Intentional Connection and Autonomy

[00:04:29] So here's how we tackle that. Here's how we strike a balance. Here's sort of my thoughts on how did we get here and how do we sort of try to be intentional about moving forward. So one of the things I do when I support parents with this is, it's called stating the obvious. So when we're Based on this idea that kids believe adults show up for their sort of needs, wants, desires, problem solving, all the things, we actually have to teach them that we are choosing to do this.

[00:04:58] That it is not actually sort of something that we are required to do 24 7. Now, I'm not saying that you're not required to take care of your children, and that's not where I'm going with this. Where I'm going with this is we aren't there sort of What that means is we don't have to instantaneously respond to every single little demand, and we don't have to problem solve every single little feeling of disappointment, of frustration, of annoyance, of boredom, right?

[00:05:26] We don't have to do those things. We need to make some space. And when we do show up for connection, for engaging sort of moments, we're going to have to communicate about that to get kids more used to the idea of like, Hey, I'm going to Although it is my parent and it is my job to show up all the time, I'm actually sort of choosing this.

Parenting Model Shifts

[00:05:44] And if you come from sort of another generation, this is a big shift. Parents didn't show up for kids the way they do now. Um, I mean, you don't know what the latchkey generation and some people will say, hey, there were some great things about that. I was very strong and independent and resilient, and I was an independent problem solver and all the things.

[00:06:03] Like everything, we have our pendulum, right? There's some great valuable things that came out of that, and there's some not great things that came out of it. A lot of loneliness, a lot of isolation, a lot of, um, self, self resilience that was not necessarily the healthy way that we develop these kinds of things.

[00:06:20] So when we're building intentional connection, I call it intentional connection because we start to change our mindset. We're changing our mindset from, I have to do these things because this is what good parents do to, I am showing up to do these things. Because this is what I want to do to build and foster a connected relationship.

[00:06:40] And I like to sort of say here, there's a difference between being present and being connected. We can all be present, we can all be around all the time, that doesn't mean that we're connected. Right? And if we're focusing our connection on sort of the big ticket items, and what I mean by that is, is our connection built around always having to do something?

State the Obvious

[00:07:03] So I have two sayings, one is State the obvious. The other is make the most of the mundane. That means to build authentic intentional connection. It doesn't involve spending money. It doesn't involve an outing. Those are like special interest connection moments. When we're talking about that intentional connection that's fostering relationships, it's in the mundane.

[00:07:28] It's cooking together. It's reading together. It's cuddling at story time. It's having conversations in cars. It's having sort of walks as a family. There's different spaces where these things happen. But what makes them valuable or helpful to sort of communicate to children is how are we using language to tell them that that's what we're doing.

[00:07:49] I'm going to give you an example. One of my favorite things to do with you is every day after school when we cuddle on the couch and we read a story together. Now the assumption there is, well, of course they know that. Every day when we cuddle on the couch, we read a story that it's because I'm connecting with them and I love them and all those things.

[00:08:06] Here's the thing. Kids are awesome and amazing. They're also really oblivious because again, their expectation is, well, yes, this is what my parents do for me. My parents, of course, are going to do this because this is what they always do. By flipping our language, we are communicating, I'm doing this because I enjoy it and I love doing it with you.

[00:08:27] Right? So we're building some language around connection. It also helps us build some boundaries around when we can foster independence, when we can foster conflict and sort of skill building for handling discomfort and disappointment and not having to constantly jump when a child expects us to just because we're trying to a difficult feeling or a difficult moment.

Parent Concepts of Time Are Different from Kids

[00:08:55] Because part of this, and I talked about this last episode is this idea that not all moments are going to be joyful, not all moments in parenting are going to be fun. And that's really tricky, especially if your child is in daycare or school all day and you don't see them. Your adult mind says, yes, please.

[00:09:14] After school let that time be connected and joyful and happy and calm and Most people will be like that is not what happens I mean the emotional capacity by that point is pretty done for a lot of people but at the same time if we shift our mindset around this idea being the goal that it has to be joyful and happy and to Hey, we're here We need to create some routines for connection.

[00:09:40] We need to create some routines that foster independence and downtime, right? We need to create some spaces where kids can debrief from their day before moving on to their day with their parents. Another thing I like to sort of throw out there for parents to think about is when we're building our very complex schedules to get through the day of life and juggle all the many things that we do, one of the things that we do is we try to use time to compartmentalize Kids' experiences.

[00:10:12] What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is we say, okay, every day from six to eight, I'm gonna do this and this and this, and this with my kids. We're gonna build this relationship. This is when we're gonna have connection. Then we're gonna go to bed and all the things. But kids don't work that way, right?

[00:10:27] Kids don't work on a adult fixed timeline. So from six to eight, they're not always saying, Hey, I'm gonna show up and be my best version of myself and we're gonna have a great evening. They show up as, Hey, I've given my all and now I'm done. And so here's all my other behaviors. So, it's a bit tricky because in our adult brains we're like, here's the period of time that I have, and I really want to maximize that time with my children, and it doesn't always go that way.

Parent Guilt

[00:10:57] And then we get frustrated, then our parent guilt increases, we're like, I really suck at this, I'm not doing well, I wish it wasn't working, I wish it wasn't, right? There's like a plethora of things, and because we all have unique family dynamics experiences, work life balance, all the things, there's no blanket statement to throw out here.

[00:11:14] But there is sort of this idea of like, hey, how are we balancing our language? How are we doing intentional connection? here's something that should be relieving. You don't need to show up for hours and hours to foster a connected and beautiful relationship.

[00:11:32] You just need to be intentional about the sections for which you are showing up for connection and intentional about where you're going to step back. You can be present and not have to problem solve everything. You can develop connection in really sort of clear ways without having to be on call all.

[00:11:53] And that is reflected in our language. How are we communicating when we are connecting, when we're being intentional about that connection, that's fostering and developing relationships. And when are we saying, Hey, my job as a parent right now is to be present, but step back, not to be the problem solver, not to be having to sort of solve the frustration and annoyance of being bored and those kinds of components.

[00:12:20] So. Today is thinking about how are we fostering intentional connection? How are we helping kids understand that it's not, in fact, our job to fill their every single moment, that instead it's our job to support them as they're sort of navigating some of these feelings and showing up in really sort of intentional ways to build that fostered and connected relationship that is also fostering independence and autonomy in a safe environment?

[00:12:51] Space.