Report Back To Me

 Note: If you would prefer to listen you can find the podcast HERE

Turning after-school conversations into positive connection

As parent problem solvers sometimes we come across as detectives in our after school questioning.

• How was your day?
• Were you a good listener?
• Did you focus?
• How about xyz, did you get along with them today?
• How did you do on your spelling test?

How was your day is a really big question for most children. They do so many things it’s really hard for them to remember.

In addition, people are generally tuned into remembering stellar things or negative ones versus the ones in-between. Pause for moment and think about your day. What stands out in your mind? I'm guessing it might be the stellar moments and the less then stellar ones because we don’t typically remember the okay or pretty good stuff unless we really focus or have a reason to. So, it’s not surprising that this question tends to bring out really really exciting memories, a summary of negative experiences OR nothing at all because not every day has some over the top happen.

This last one is highly frustrating for parents working hard to build connected relationships and wanting to know how their children spent their day. It may not be they don’t want to tell you, it’s that they can’t focus in on things to tell you.

The other questions tend to teach our children to focus on check-lists for things like behavioural expectations and academic outcomes. I often have conversations where parents tell me, I don’t care how my children do academically as long as they are doing okay and learning. I tell them it’s okay to fail or make mistakes. Unfortunately, when we ask questions like, how was your spelling test, we’re actually saying the opposite of what we are physically telling them. It’s not actually okay to make mistakes because I want to know how many you made on your spelling test.

So how do we tackle this?

The REPORT BACK TO ME Strategy

Step 1: Set 3 Goals (only 1 for younger kids and build up)

1. Learn Something New
2. Try Something Hard
3. Do Something Super Fun

Step 2: Build Your Goals (be as specific as possible)

Here are some examples to get you started:

Learn Something New:

• Learn something new about your teacher
• Learn something new in art (pick a topic/subject)
• Learn something new about a friend (or learn a new friends' name)
• Learn something new about yourself

Try Something Hard:

• Remembering to use a tool for big feelings
• Trying your best at a (pick a hard subject)
• Being patient with friend/classmate

Note: This is where you can tackle some helpful goals for skill building (eg. areas your child is struggling or needs to develop skills). Things like keeping our hands to ourself, standing up for ourself in conflict, etc. 

Do Something Super Fun:

• Let you child help you define what they believe is fun
• Harness the power of YET
• Learn something new about your child’s superpowers

A great book to support this conversation is What’s My Superpower by Aviaq Johnston

Step 3: Report Back to Me!

This is the MOST IMPORTANT part of this strategy. It will not work if you don’t check in with them! Also, you'll need to practice some patience while you build this expectation.

To help support you, I recommend setting yourself a reminder to follow up -> phone, calendar, sticky notes, etc. 

The first couple of times you try the strategy you might find that it doesn’t work.  That’s because you are setting a new expectation and like anything new, it takes time to learn to do it.  The more consistent you are with this, the faster the skills will develop. If it seems to be a pattern of forgetting/not answering, start by setting less goals and focus on ones that are easy to remember.

What about Goodbyes?

If you are struggling with things like crying at drop-off or finding it really hard to leave and it's making you late for work, check out my Digital Mini-Course: Master School and Daycare Drop-Off with The Art of Saying Goodbye. In this course I share the strategies I developed as a preschool owner to validate feelings and still ensure you part ways in a timely manner.