The Benefits of Not Over-Programming Your Children

This blog is an extension of the podcast episode “Empowering Children to Embrace and Learn from Boredom.” That episode is about how a lot of parents value boredom but struggle with making it happen for a wide range of reasons. One of the reasons is because of the big reactions children have to you implementing boredom.

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 A World of Too Many Activities

Another one that has bubbled to the surface is parents who feel torn between ensuring their children have experiences and opportunities that will contribute to long term success and finding time for boredom or downtime.

The most striking comment people make around this topic is how their friends and other parents make them feel about this choice. 

The Children's Mental Health Crisis 

Kids across the board are struggling with stress, over-whelm and general mental wellness. Educators are raising alarm bells about children’s ability to regulate their feelings and practice patience in their classrooms. One of the solutions is to make space for children to be less programmed, but that’s really hard when parent peer pressure is on full throttle!

What Parents Are Feeling

One of my preschool clients first said this to me nearly ten years ago and recently it’s come up more regularly. Like in this conversation I had with a parent of two children under six. 

“I often feel bad we don't "do" as much as friends of ours.”

“It’s hard to be ok with your choices when everyone is one up-ing each other - at least that’s what it feels like.”

I asked permission to share this excerpt from our conversation because it sums up what so many are saying and feeling about this topic. Deep down they know the choice they want to make, but there is a glimmer of guilt that they are taking something away from their child. That their child will feel left out, be ostracized or down the road won't have the skills needed for their goals.

Parent Peer Pressure

I talked a bit about ‘groupthink’ in the episode: When Parent Guilt, Halloween & Kindness to the Planet All Collide. It's no secret there can be an intense level of shame and guilt thrown between parents when they make choices for their family. What I think is less talked about is the impact adult peer pressure is having on things like this. 

Like most things, peer pressure isn’t always all bad. Positive peer pressure can be helpful. I used to witness it in my preschool regularly whether it was related to snacks, potty learning or getting ready to go outside. But what about when it’s unhelpful?

In this case, it stems from something I like to call ‘The Invisible Ivy League check list’. That’s the unwritten expectations parents have in preparing children for successful futures. Extracurricular activities fit solidly into this category.

No, I don’t think all extracurricular activities are bad, but I do think kids do too many of them and at a level that demands too much of them. We’ve taken the fun out by making everything a competitive stream and we’ve removed something from their lives that might arguably be essential to their development. In other words, the exact thing many people are pushing each other to attain, might be undermining the actual thing children need for long term success.

Tara's Take: I also think it's important to note that most extra-curricular activities are businesses. This means they require enrolment to be financially successful. Over the years I believe this has impacted the advice and recommendations companies make around age appropriateness and developmental fit.

The Success Formula

Spoiler alert: There is no proven formula for success. When you look at some of the greatest success stories of our time, they come from a range of experiences and opportunities, but something connects many of them. Experience working customer service/entry level jobs at some point and space to explore their interests freely.

After all Google was started in a garage and some people argue many of the things we value today started in a basement, a dorm room, a garage or some other place where people came together to tinker, to imagine, to pool their ideas. 

4 Reasons it's Okay to Go Against ‘Everyone is Doing it'

1. Boredom can lead to creativity & fulfillment
2. Teaches frustration tolerance and emotional regulation
3. Builds executive functioning: emotional regulation, organization, time management,...
4. Fosters independence & promotes problem solving

This is your validation for implementing boredom, keeping organized activities to a minimum and pushing back against parenting peer pressure.

Some of the most important skills linked to long term success are the ones children learn outside of programmed activities.

There's also a link between over-programmed children and higher rates of stress and anxiety. This is a blog for another day!

Have some thoughts, send me a message at [email protected]!

References:

Why Boredom Matters: https://compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/am-pdf/10.1111/spc3.12562

Early Social-Emotional Functioning and Public Health: The Relationship Between Kindergarten Social Competence and Future Wellness https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/full/10.2105/AJPH.2015.302630

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/03/well/boredom-inspiration-mindfulness.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/06/19/well/family/kids-summer-boredom.html

https://childmind.org/article/the-benefits-of-boredom/#:~:text=Being%20bored%20can%20be%20good,experiences%2C%20preparing%20them%20for%20life.

https://www.melbournechildpsychology.com.au/blog/the-benefits-of-boredom/

https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/boredom-isnt-a-bad-thing-for-kids

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-parents-set-their-kids-up-for-success-2016-4