Poking, Prodding & Unwanted Touch

Do you have a child who pokes, prods or touches people without asking?

Kids love to touch, poke, prod, tease and all those other things. 

Kids also don’t like being touched, poked, prodded or teased. 

In my preschool I had a very strict no-touch without asking policy.  

A lot of people cringe when I first say that. How can you tell little children not to touch each other without asking? They are little and they don’t mean anything by it. 

There’s a few reasons this policy is important. 

1. It teaches body autonomy and boundaries. This is important for a lot of reasons. 
2. It makes touch more meaningful. Imagine for a moment you want to celebrate something. “Hey, can I have a high 5?” really turns into something special OR “you look sad can I sit beside you or give you a hug?” Again, how validating!! 

Here’s what else it teaches. Touching people for any reason without asking is unkind. When you help children understand that keeping their hands to themselves is about more than manners or ‘staying out of trouble’ they are more willing to understand why they shouldn’t do it. It’s about respect. It’s about being touched when you want to be and touching others only when they want to be. 

Imagine kids standing in line or playing at recess. There’s inevitably someone who pokes the person in front of them. What happens next? They get scolded for touching someone and you might get a call saying your child can't keep their hands to themselves. Will this stop them from doing it again? Not likely. Now what if we take the time to teach them why touching people isn’t funny or okay, in fact it’s unkind. Now we have a different learning happening. We are building skills for empathy and awareness.

Also, children like to know why rules are rules. When they know what the rule is for, they are more likely to follow it.

Why shouldn’t we poke people? Why should we keep our hands and bodies to ourselves? Why shouldn’t we hit each other? 

Because these things are unkind. It’s no longer just about an adult telling us not to do something, it’s about why we need to think about doing things before we do them. The same is true of kind touch. Whenever we are working hard to build expectations for unwanted behaviour (unkindness), it's equally important to catch the kindness. This is something I teach in my program & DIY Course, building kindness as a way to support navigating those tricky and unkind moments.

A couple of my favourite books on this topic: 

These stories are about children (or animals) who don't like certain kinds of touch and how it makes them feel when people touch them in ways they don't like. Doug really doesn't like hugs, 

but he likes high fives. This story is a great way to talk about touch because it goes through people he will hug and people he won't and when. The best part, is the author talks about how the only way you can know if someone wants a hug (or to be touched) is if you ask. This is a great way to help your child understand that when they touch others, it can be really bothersome. That the only way they should touch anyone, even if they really like that person is to ask.

Another favourite is Rissy who doesn't like kisses, even though she's a love bird. This book is a great for exploring how some people feel really really uncomfortable with touch and it can make them feel lonely, irritated and frustrated. Part of not touching others is knowing that it can make others feel really annoyed and uncomfortable. So what seems funny or amusing or is sometimes done in boredom can be so much bigger to the person being poked, prodded or touched without permission.

Both of these books highlight the importance of getting clear on boundaries around touch so that we can treat each other with respect -> kindness. When we have conversations like this, we are helping children pause and think before they go to poke, prod or touch someone without permission. This is one way we can teach them some tools for self-control using empathy.

For a great conversation on this topic, check out my IG live with Katey Howes, the author of Rissie No Kissies here.

Another great book about Body Autonomy: