Building Confidence and Self-Esteem with Children: Internal versus External Pride

Supporting Children With Building Kindness to Self 

Part of preparing your children to navigate the competitive, and sometimes unforgiving world we live in, is helping them build a strong sense of self. Kindness to Self is the idea that how we talk to ourself matters as much (maybe more) than how we talk to others.

The Difference Between Internal Pride (Self-Esteem) vs External Pride (Praise)

A key piece in developing self-acceptance and confidence is understanding that children have to believe it from within. You can’t convince anyone to believe in themselves, even if their are your child.

Sure, you can reinforce and you can show them ways, but if you are expending a lot of energy trying to convince your child they are worthy, they are amazing, they are talented, they are… you aren’t going to change their core mindset. These are just words of encouragement (praise) and although they are well-meaning and do have a place, they are not what’s ultimately going to change your child’s belief in themselves (self-esteem).

Striking a Balance between Internal and External Pride

Question for Reflection Part One

Does your child seek regular validation from you in the form of praise or feedback?

Do you like my picture? Does this shirt look good? Do you like the thing I made? What do you think about? Did I make you mad? 

Question for Reflection Part Two

Do you speak to yourself the same way you would speak to a trusted or valued friend? This is the goal of Kindness to Self, to learn how to speak to ourselves as we would speak to others we care about and respect.

To change a child’s mindset you have to foster kindness to self with intention and be aware of how you are modelling it.

The goal is to balance your feedback in ways that support internal and external pride. External pride (praise) is the easier path, you’re likely already doing it. Fostering internal pride requires a different mindset. One where you focus on the process required for an outcome.

Example of Fostering Internal Pride When A Child is Seeking Praise:

Focus on the Process instead of the Product

Child:  Mommy, mommy look what I made. Do you like it?

Parent: You used a lot of colours and lines in this picture! Tell me about your favourite part.

What about striking a balance?

I believe sometimes a balanced approach feels more genuine or resonates better. So if you think they did an amazing job, I think it’s okay to add both elements into our response as long as we are being mindful of the focus on fostering internal pride versus rewarding the validation seeking question.

I might say something like: That’s super cool. You used a lot of colours and lines in this picture. Tell me about your favourite part. 

What Else Can You Do?

Another way to do this is by exploring a picture book that focusses on fostering self-esteem, self-confidence and kindness to self. Check out my blog on The You Kind of Kind HERE.

Kindness to Self

The Language of Kindness is my part of my signature framework and a core component of my successful program Building Resilience Through Kindness. In building a baseline that fosters kindness to self, kindness to others and kindness to the planet, we create a set of expectations for parenting with intention and connection.

To learn more about this, check out the Raising Resilient Children Resource Centre and Membership Community or connect with me to explore my one-on-one support options.

Disclaimer

Note: Internal vs External Pride are not officially recognized terms, they are the words I use to support parents with understanding the difference between building self-esteem and sharing praise.

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